From Negativity to Gratitude

There’s a buzz about “gratitude” this month - talking time each day to think of all the good things in your life - things you might ordinarily take for granted.  This is a great practice; it can be uplifting to the spirit and can provide a much needed perspective shift. Simply listing what you are grateful for can be a wonderful, heart-warming practice, but I challenge you to take it a step further and combine a “present moment mindfulness” with your gratitude practice.

Try to catch yourself in middle of a negative thought and turn it to a positive one. This is  not easy, but it can help lift you out of a self-numbing sadness, before your mind and emotions spiral you toward a more depressed state. I recently got the opportunity to practice this myself.

My son, who we thought had outgrown his asthma, had a really bad week-long attack with his latest cold. Now he must take several very strong medications to help get his lungs functioning properly again. I shuddered when I though of him taking these drugs, which help the asthma but can have negative side effects. I started the pity party immediately, thinking, “His poor little body... Why don’t his lungs work as well as other kids?...I ‘did everything right’ - why him?... I hate the side effects of this medicine, I wish he didn’t have to take it.” But then I caught myself and stopped. I changed that moment of negativity to one of gratitude. My thoughts changed, “He is a strong boy and healthy in so many ways... Thank goodness for this medicine that can help his lungs open up - it has saved his life... His asthma is considered mild to moderate, it could be much worse; thankfully it isn’t. He is happy and healthy and will continue to grow stronger.”

Not only does such a mental shift help me to deal with “less than ideal” circumstances, but I think the more positive, gratitude-based attitude and energy I share with my son changes how he thinks about himself and his own health.

My circumstance is just one. This works with issues big or small. You could change any negative thinking to gratitude-based thinking. For instance, say you were looking for a close parking spot on a rainy day and you simply couldn’t find one. You might be inclined to think, “oh, this always happens to me, I can never get a close spot when I need one.” You could change that thought to having gratitude for your car, having gratitude for your legs - which allow you to walk from a far spot.  Have gratitude for a warm coat, or an umbrella, or if you don’t have those things, then be grateful for a healthy body that will survive if you get a little wet. Have gratitude for the rain. Step outside your box and expand your perspective. Most of the time, you’ll see that things aren’t as bad as you might think, and that we all have much to be thankful for.

What Are You Carrying? Part 2: Seva, With a Side of Perspective

After returning home from my eye-opening, spiritual experience in Costa Rica this past February, I found myself wanting more. I wanted to have more experiences that cracked open my heart, that made me forget about the details of life, that made me feel pure connection and joy. I found myself searching for the “next place” to go. The next retreat, the next escape (although at this point I didn’t see it as an escape, but as a way of finding how to live life to its fullest).

I met a girl who spent a couple of months living in an ashram. She told me about her experience, meditating and doing yoga every morning at 4:30am; then doing her “seva” practice. When you’re living in an ashram, they feed you, provide you housing, meditation & yoga instruction (for a very small fee), and you practice “seva” or selfless service. You help to take care of the ashram -- cooking, cleaning, whatever needs done. This girl told me about how her job was vacuuming and mopping a particular area, every day. And just like with any meditation practice, she was resistant to it at first. She asked herself, “Why do I have to vacuum today, when I just did it yesterday? The floor can’t be that dirty...we remove our shoes.” But it was her seva. It didn’t really matter what it was, it was her duty. It wasn’t about whether or not she wanted to do it or if it needed done. It was selfless duty (a lesson to let go of the fickle desires of the self/ego). And so after many days of resistance, she slowly began to accept it, and then to be truly present with the job. She even began to enjoy it. She was still “doing” the same physical movement, the same “chore,” but her perspective changed, and so her whole experience of it changed.

I thought, “Wow, that’s an enlightening shift, right there.” And for about two days I thought, “I want to go to an ashram. I want that simplicity. I want to learn to practice seva.”  Then, as if I were struck by lightning, it occurred to me, that life is only as complicated as we make it. Let me say that again. Life is only as complicated as we make it. And our experience of life is all about our perspective and our expectations. What she experienced at the ashram was a radical shift in perspective.

It occurred to me that my seva (selfless) practice was at home, caring for my family. Cleaning and caring for my own home, for my own children. Why couldn’t I experience that perspective shift here, instead of at an ashram? The floors need vacuumed here! I could, if I just changed my perspective.  My “lightning” moment was telling me that I was right where I needed to be. I just needed to open my eyes and be present for the possibilities for seva all around me. If, instead of resenting the act of cleaning (thinking about how everyone messes everything up and I’m often the only one who cleans it up), I could take this opportunity to do seva. It needs to be cleaned. I CAN do it. I am thankful that I have a strong, healthy body that enables me to do this work that needs to be done. With this change in perspective, I am not only doing my seva duty, but I am unburdening myself of the stress and resentment I might otherwise carry if I was clinging to my old perspective.

The other part of this perspective shift is finding ways to un-complicate life. My experience in Costa Rica was so simple; this girl’s description of life in the ashram was so simple...I longed for simplicity. When I returned home, I felt like we had too much stuff and we did too much, everything was too much for my senses after living so simply and enjoying it. My perspective at first turned to resent all that we had -- I wanted to be rid of it. After my husband insisted that it wasn’t practical for us to sell our house or to give everything away, I realized that what needed to change wasn’t the situation, but my attachment to an “idea” of how my life should be, instead of accepting and being grateful for what I have -- what was right in front of me. I made my life un-complicated in an instant, with a simple perspective shift. (Although I did have behavior changes that accompanied my perspective shift here -- like giving away many things we didn’t need anymore and being mindful to not accumulate things we don’t need. A daily gratitude practice has been key too.)

To un-complicate your life, I suggest just taking a look at your complications. Open your eyes to a new perspective, try to see things in a different way. It often starts with simply appreciating all that you have in life. We ALL have much to be thankful for. Be grateful for your body and what it can do. Be grateful for the love and friendship in your life. Give thanks for the job that helps you provide food to nourish your body, for the home that provides you shelter. You can approach everything “complicated” in your life like this, simply by radically shifting your perspective to one of learning -- ask what you can learn from each situation in your life. Sometimes perhaps you need to make a real change in behavior, but often, life is trying to teach us to let go of our iron-clad perspective, to let go of our stubborn ego, to drop that heavy load we’re carrying and to shift to thoughts of seva - of selflessness. Just for a moment, let go of your desires, your ideas of what you “want” things to be and simply see how things are and accept them, even appreciate them. See all the ways you support the loved ones in your life; think of all the ways you practice seva. Maybe you can do even more seva somewhere in your life.

Letting go of your old perspectives and practicing seva will help you wake up from the illusion that things are not going "your way." You will suddenly understand that you create your own reality. You can decide to be present, to learn in each moment, to live in joy or in misery each day, no matter what your circumstances. Today, I choose joy. I hope you do too!

The Dance of a New Perspective

photo by Paul StumpfThose of you who know me personally know that in addition to my yoga and meditation practice, and my study/lifestyle of nutrition, wellness, and healthy cooking, I take ballroom dance lessons. My husband and I have enjoyed doing this as our hobby for 5 years now. It’s great exercise for both the body and mind (remembering steps, patterns and techniques, plus moving your body rhythmically, sometimes fast, sometimes slow).  Plus it’s a great exercise in mindfulness - especially as the female in ballroom and Latin dancing - if you’re not present (paying attention), you won’t feel the lead from your partner and you won’t know what to do next!  So it falls in line with many of my lifestyle philosophies, which is one reason I am attracted to this practice.

But during our recent dance (performance) showcase, I found myself mentally focusing on how the practice of this style of dance is so very different from my yoga and meditation practice. In this pause, this analysis, I tightened. And in that tightening, I lost my sense of presence. I pushed away the similarities and sank into a rigid perspective of what my journey is "supposed" to be.

I thought of my meditative trip to Costa Rica, where I wandered around in nature, with no makeup, no fixed up hair or fancy clothes. It was about the spirit, about a sense of connection - to people and to nature. I felt free and exuberant, while at the same time peaceful and still. This, I thought, is where my life needs to be more, in this place. I don’t mean in Costa Rica, specifically, but I wanted to integrate that feeling of simplicity, connection, peace, and presence and bring it into everything I did. After all, I knew in my head that that’s what life is about - taking what you learn in these eye-opening moments, in these meditative moments - and merging that into your daily activities. In other words, if you sit in your meditation practice peacefully, but then go yell at your kids, you’re missing something. We need to integrate.

When I dance, I have experienced that freedom and exuberance, that inner sense of being centered and joyful. But on the outside, a ballroom dance performance seems much more than that. It seems to be very much about outward appearances too. You’re dancing for other people. And on the outside, it’s very showy - fancy costumes, fussy hair, red lipstick, and an obsessive awareness of “is my hand in the right place, should I point my toes more, and oh, I need to smile.”

At this past dance showcase, I tightened, and in doing so, I focused on the outer, instead of the inner dance. I thought of how this outward facade didn’t match my perception of what is “important.” Looks don’t matter, clothes don’t matter, it’s the feeling on the inside, it’s who we all are on the inside that matters. Yet I was surrounded by glitter and fringe, satin and spandex, and that’s all I could see. I wasn't integrating. After fixing my own face with much more makeup than I ever wear, I felt myself tighten. I didn’t like this “outward” me. I wanted to get away from it. But as a wonderful friend has quoted to me, “what we resist, persists.” The more I focused on how I didn’t want or like this “outward performance” experience, the more I lost my connection with any sense of what was happening inside. All I could see was the glitz and glam - the “show.” And to my greater dismay, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t get to that still, centered, joyful place, and I stumbled in our first few dances.

At one point, in between dances, I stood still - I paused and closed my eyes. I felt my feet on the floor. I breathed. In this place of softening, I opened my eyes to a new perspective. This is LIFE! It is the balance of yin and yang, of integrating the peace on the inside, regardless of what is happening on the outside. In our very human experiences, we must learn to accept our perceptions of “good” and “bad” and just start to view things with equanimity. Only then can you begin to truly believe that “it” (whatever “it” is for you in the moment) is not good or bad, it just “is what it is.”  

On this day of dance, for me, I needed to learn that “it” was actually more about my inner experience than my outer performance or the way I looked. Through the grace of my meditative pause, I saw that it was my reaction to my outer circumstances that caused my tightness, my resistance. And so I softened, let go of my rigid ideas, opened my heart, and danced with a new perspective. And just like that, things changed. The rest of my dancing felt more effortless, because I was present, feeling it from the inside.

The next time you find yourself tightening, with judgment or resistance, take pause, breathe, and see if you can open yourself to a new perspective. And even if you don’t study dance formally, allow yourself to experience the dance in your heart, the dance of yin and yang, of peace amidst anything life throws at you, even if it’s covered in sequins.