Top Ten Lessons From My Memorial Day Retreat

I just returned from a three day retreat with Krishna Das at Satchindananda Ashram in Virginia. While I was there, I meditated for hours in a beautiful temple for all faiths called the Light of Truth Universal Lotus Shrine. I listened to and read spiritual teachings from many different sources, and I listened to Krishna Das offer his words of wisdom. We all did a lot of meditative singing - chanting - as well. Overall it was an inspiring weekend.

When I attend these sorts of retreats, I learn a lot of lessons about myself, my tendencies, reactions, and feelings. I gain clarity, can see mistakes I've made, and feel when I'm on the right path with my intentions. At the completion of a retreat like this, I enjoy looking over my notes and making a list of lessons learned ... things to share, that I think might be helpful to everyone in one way or another. Here is my top ten list of things I learned or realized this weekend.

1. Let it go.  We all worry too much, we do too much, we think too much. This not only causes stress and robs us of our joy, but it also separates us further from our source, the light, the peace that is within us all. We need to stop expecting things to be perfect and battling ourselves and those around us when they aren't. Krishna Das said, "You can't save the whole world, so save yourself... Then do what you can to help others around you." The key here is practicing letting go of our ideas about how things "should" be. And start accepting "what is." If you can do that, you will begin to feel okay ... eventually, you might even feel joy. 

2. We are already whole. A person or an object cannot "fill our void." Again and again I heard this message in different ways over the weekend. We often expect our spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, children, parents, homes, cars, jewelry, clothes and more ... to "give us" that indefinable thing ... a feeling, a sense of security, wholeness or happiness. But the truth is, we are already whole. We were born with an innate sense of joy and well-being. Life's trials sometimes make us forget. We lose our joy and are looking for it outside of ourselves. Look within. It is there! Try to reconnect with your inner joy. Meditate a few minutes a day, perhaps thinking of the joy on a baby's or child's face. Visualize yourself filled with light. This is within you and you can access it any time you try.

3. We can access light and joy anytime (continuing along the lines of number 2). Life offers us challenges. Bad things happen. It is okay to feel sadness and frustration. That is part of our human experience. But when you feel like you're drowning, know somewhere deep inside that you have the power to lift yourself up and see a different perspective. The joy that you were born with is there for a reason. That spontaneous feeling of happiness that sometimes comes over you, even when your life isn't perfect ... you can learn to find it again and again. Challenges and obstacles aren't there to bring you down or make you depressed. They are there to teach you. What a blessing to have the opportunity to learn and grow around every corner. Isn't that what life is about? If you can access your sense of peace amidst difficulty then you can feel joy regardless of your circumstances. The Dalai Lama, when asked if he is happy, always says a resounding yes - despite the fact that he became a leader at a very young age, was forced into exile and watched as his people were slaughtered by Chinese troops. He has not had an easy life, but he chooses to not let it wear on him or make him bitter. He chooses to be happy. I believe we can do this too. It's not easy and we're not perfect, but we can try!

4. All things change. Change is inevitable. Our children do not stay babies forever. In nature, the seasons change, and even each winter is unlike another. Everything changes. We experience suffering and sadness when we expect things to stay the same. Why do we do this? If we can accept that things are changing within us and all around us in every moment, think of how much easier it would be to find joy and happiness. When you are sad or upset or frustrated, consider, is it because you expected things to be the same ... and something has changed? This is life on our earth. All things change. The more we can learn to accept change, the happier we will be.

5. Nothing dies. It just changes form. In listening to a recorded lecture from Swami Satchindananda, I was inspired when he said this. "A tree is a tree ... until someone cuts it down and makes it into a table. It is still wood, still the tree, just in different form. Then if the table breaks, it becomes firewood, but still the tree, in a sense. Even when it is burned, its essence doesn't disappear, but it turns to ash. Simply another form of the tree." Of course he related this to people, that our essence is the same, but our bodies change, from babies to children, to adults, to elderly people. This is our bodies experiencing change. We are the same on the inside, our essence is the same when we are a young person as when we are old. I can also relate this to other things in life ... When a marriage ends, for instance ... it is simply a relationship changing form. It is not a death, but rather a change, from a love of one kind, to a love of another. Think about this when experiencing any change in your life, be it divorce, career change, or death of a loved one. Rumi says, "Do not grieve, everything you lose comes around in another form." I am beginning to see and believe this. 

6. Give without expecting anything in return. And you will be given a great gift when you do this. How can we live a happy, fulfilled life? The message I hear again and again from so many sources is to give. First we must learn to give to ourselves ... to fill ourselves up with love, to accept ourselves, be gentle on ourselves. Once you can begin to do that, you can share your compassion with others. This can be very simple, something small like smiling and saying good morning to everyone you meet. You will be affecting so many people if you can do this. The happy side effect is that when you share something as simple as a smile, your own happiness grows. It feels good to give and share. So don't think in terms of large gestures or time or money when we discuss "giving." Start with the people closest to you. Offer them your pure warmth, a smile, kindness, a listening ear. See what happens.

7. Be careful with your words. Most religions teach the importance of telling the truth. Satya in yoga is truth. But is is crucial to combine the truth with Ahimsa - in yoga this means compassion or non-harming. While honesty is important, consider how your message will be received, consider the timing, and carefully consider your words. I have always strived to be an honest person, and this weekend, while sitting at lunch listening to a reading from the swami, I was blown away by the realization that telling the truth is NOT about me. It should be done in consideration of the other person. Are they ready to hear what you have to say? How can you phrase it most compassionately? While there are two parts to communication, the giver and the receiver, and much has to do with the interpretation of the receiver, their world view, their state of mind, their emotional triggers, etc. ... the giver needs to try his or her best to consider these things before offering words. Words can inspire people or do incredible harm. Choose yours carefully. I know this is something I will continue to work on.

8. Don't think too much or over analyze. This usually brings us into a fearful or judgmental state. Our fear limits and shadows us. Instead, learn to recognize your fear as simply ... a reaction ... not truth, not something to necessarily analyze ... We return to number 1, Let it go. We often whine to ourselves or others, "why me?" Why did this happen to me or my family or my friend. We might spend hours thinking about it, analyzing the why's and how's. The answer of how to get through it is usually simple. It doesn't matter why or how you got into your circumstances. The point is, you're there. Try to muster the best version of yourself to work through it, letting go of fear along the way. We are presented with challenges in life to learn from them, to grow. Everyone's life has both happiness and sadness, good times and bad. Our goal should be to move through with equanimity. One of my favorite quotes by the Buddha, "Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all." Or as Krishna Das said, "Stuff happens. Let it go and move on. Your stuff isn't who you are."

9. Be strong and light. Swami Satchindananda wrote, "if you walk into a room where 15 people are crying, and you start crying too, you're only adding to the misery. Do something else instead. Be compassionate, help lift them up." This refers back to both number 3, we can access light and joy anytime, and number 6, give without expecting anything in return. I believe we are here to help and support each other in life. So whenever you see someone struggling, do your best to be strong and supportive and joyful, even if you're not feeling strong or joyful yourself. Fake it till you make it. The funny thing is, the more you "pretend" or imagine that you are strong and peaceful, the more you actually become those things.

10. A friend recently reminded of the simple inspiration of the Serenity Prayer. It sums up my lessons learned from this weekend, plus I added my own spin to the end. This certainly describes my intentions as I journey through this life. I hope you are inspired too.

May I have the Strength to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, Wisdom to know the difference, and an Open Heart to Illuminate my path.

Peace, Love and Light to each of you! Thank you for reading!

~ Joni

To Understand & Be Understood

“The world only goes round by misunderstanding.” ~ Charles Baudelaire 

Recently, I have come to intimately see how much we all misunderstand each other as human beings. And how that misunderstanding can affect our perspective and life experiences. 

 

We all view the world … understand the world … process the world … and judge the world through our own experience-tinted glasses. And whether you are interacting with a political leader, co-worker, romantic partner, friend or child, you interpret all incoming messages through your experience-filter. This is okay; a normal, human way to understand your world in a way that makes sense to you, and we all do it.

 

However, sometimes these experience-tinted lenses become more like dark sunglasses or even a blindfold when we are emotionally charged. We might decide we “know” a person’s intentions before they have a chance to communicate. In other words, we all sometimes jump to conclusions. This reaction is the adult version of a child plugging their ears when they don’t want to hear you. And it shuts down all possibilities for understanding to take place.

 

This happens when countries go to war with each other - because “negotiations fail,” or an “understanding cannot be reached,” or sometimes, an attempt to understand isn’t even made.

This is true in a marriage or romantic relationship, when things fall apart. A lot of times an entire relationship can be based on mutual misunderstanding. But feelings and reactions develop from those misunderstandings ... this changes perspectives, emotions, views of the your world. But is it based on the truth? Is it based on what is real … or just perception?

 

“Three quarters of the miseries and misunderstandings in the world would finish if people were to put on the shoes of their adversaries and understood their points of view”

~ Mahatma Gandhi 

An ongoing lesson for me, amidst some personal relationship misunderstandings I’ve been experiencing, is that we all can choose how to react. We can choose to try … to step back and see another person’s perspective. This is not easy … because you have to be willing to detach yourself from your own view ... if only temporarily ... to gaze through someone else’s lenses and imagine what they see and how they feel. 

 

This isn’t easy because you also begin to see yourself more clearly … your own flaws and mistakes … more clearly. This should not be something you beat yourself up over, but rather take as an opportunity to learn and grow and become the best version of yourself. Isn’t that what we’re all here to do? To live our best life by becoming our best selves … being true to ourselves and those around us … and then the details can fall where they may. You will feel clear, unburdened and joyful if you can work toward this … understanding others by putting yourself in their shoes … and communicating as clearly as you can with kindness and compassion. 

 

The practice of meditation helps put you in a mindset to understand others because it teaches us to be present, aware and calm. The next time you find yourself in conflict with someone … in the midst of a possible misunderstanding … be silent, breathe, try not to take what they are saying personally, but empathize and understand what they might be feeling or seeing through their experience-tinted lenses. Listen, while trying to put down your guard, your ego, your own raging opinions and emotions. This is, in a sense, a partner meditation, learning to be deeply present with someone and truly hear them. Communicating from this centered place is where true understanding can begin to blossom.  

 “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

It’s also important to remember that we are all human, and no one can “be perfect” all the time. We will all have our knee-jerk reactions, get our feelings hurt, and misunderstand each other sometimes. This is part of our experience in life. What’s most important is that we make the effort … to understand … and to be understood.

My Favorite Inspirational Quotes

In nearly every class I teach, I share an inspirational quote ... something that has meaning to me and my life, that I know might resonate with others. I have learned much from these little snippets of wisdom. They have helped me shift perspective when I've felt lost, opened my eyes when I've felt blind, and allowed me to feel love just when I needed it the most.

I hope that this small collection of some of my favorite quotes inspire you as they have me.

"Enlightenment is the "quiet acceptance of what is". I believe the truly enlightened beings are those who refuse to allow themselves to be distressed over things that simply are the way they are." ~ Wayne Dyer
 

"The goal is not to tie ourselves in knots ... we're already tied in knots.

The aim is to untie the knots in our hearts. The aim is to unite with the ultimate, loving, and peaceful power in the universe." ~ Max Strom

"I have learnt silence from the talkative,

toleration from the intolerant,

and kindness from the unkind;

yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers."  ~ Kahlil Gibran

"Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.

If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your

deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as

beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings." ~ Rumi

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls." ~ Mother Teresa

 

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field.

I'll meet you there." ~ Rumi 

"Every moment

I shape my destiny with a chisel -

I am the carpenter of my own soul." ~ Rumi

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway." ~ Mother Teresa 

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

"Lord, make me an instrument of your Peace,

Where there is hatred let me Love,

Where there is injury, pardon,

Where there is doubt, faith,

Where there is despair, hope,

Where there is darkness, light,

And where there is sadness, joy."

A Buddhist Prayer before yoga or meditation practice

"By the power and truth of this practice:

May all beings have happiness and the cause of happiness

May all beings be free from sorrow and the causes of sorrow

May all never be separated from the sacred happiness which is sorrow less

And may all live in equanimity without too much attachment and too much aversion

And live believing in the equality of all that lives." 

“Peaceful is the one who is not concerned with having more or less.”  ~ Rumi

"Intuitive Knowing is when you have

come to the edge of all the Light

you consciously know and are about

to step off into the darkness of

the unknown; it is knowing in your

Heart that one of two things will

happen, there will be something

solid to stand on or you will be

taught to fly."  ~Stephen Levine 

"That which is false troubles the heart, but truth brings joyous tranquility." ~ Rumi

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." ~ Mark Twain

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." ~Thich Nhat Hanh 

"We're fascinated by the words--but where we meet is in the silence behind them."~ Ram Dass 
 

"You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you." ~ Joseph Campbell

"We have never arrived. We are in a constant state of becoming." ~Bob Dylan

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~ Albert Einstein

"Your task is not to seek for love,

but merely to seek and find all the barriers

within yourself that you have built against it."

~ Rumi 

 
“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” ~ Paulo Coelho

“Pooh, how do you spell love?” asked Piglet.

“You don’t spell it, you feel it.” said Pooh.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” 

~ Dr. Seuss 

‎"Learn to watch your drama unfold, while at the same time knowing that you are more than your drama." ~ Ram Dass

"Friend . . . are you ready? Do you understand that your body is but a moment? That nothing you touch with your hands can you bring with you? So then what do you truly own? Whatever is truly yours you are free to bring, and nothing more. So learn, dear friend, that all you possess is in your heart and nowhere else." ~ Max Strom

"Although I may try to describe Love, 

When I experience it, I am speechless." ~ 

Rumi

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”
~ Bob Moawad 

Something More Beautiful...

I wonder if the trees know their leaves will drop...

if they expect it, each fall...

And do they cry in the cold of winter, without their mane of green?

Or do they sit still...breathing into their roots,

patiently present...without a care

for whatever lies ahead?

The earth accepts these changes, 

like ocean waves crashing over again and again...

Never knowing, not worrying 

about when the crashing began... or when it will end.

I wonder if each crash of a wave is meant to wash away the the leaves...

And unlike the trees, we cling and grasp... 

trying to hold on … to something that was meant to fall and regrow.

Let the leaves fall where they may,

And be washed away.

Then maybe … 

if we can be still... ground ourselves...

the change will wash over us, smooth us out like a rock on the beach,

And some new season will bring us 

flowers of a brighter color …
new leaves … new growth ...

something more beautiful ... than we ever expected.

~ Joni Sturgill

Fear... is a Mouse in The Bathroom

I was tired and needed a shower. I shuffled down the dormitory hall of the yoga center, headed for the bathroom with my shampoo, soap and p.j.s under my arm.

"There's a mouse in there," said Ellen, as she briskly headed toward her room.

I froze. "What? I need to take a shower."

"Oh, well, he probably won't bother you," she smiled as she closed her door.

I decided to walk to the opposite end of the building and find a mouse-free bathroom, so I could take a shower in peace. I shuttered in fear and discomfort of just the idea of a wiggly little mouse wandering around the bathroom floor. So for days, I avoided the "mouse bathroom." I wouldn't even go in there to brush my teeth, but rather I'd take a long walk to use another bathroom.

One day, I thought that maybe I was being silly about all this. So when nature called, I went into the mouse bathroom. There was no sign of him. It was okay! I went into one of the stalls.

When I emerged, moments later...there he was, by the sink. The mouse! He saw me, and squeaked in fear. He started running in circles, then tried to climb up the side of the trash can, but slid back down. In a panic, he ran into one corner, then another, trying to find a place to hide ... from me.

Oddly, I didn't panic, scream, or run in fear. In that moment, I was still, just watching the little mouse. I saw and felt his fear. In that moment, as he finally found a little crack in the tile floor under the radiator that he could crawl into, I realized that I ... am the mouse ... that we ALL are like the mouse sometimes.

As fear of the unknown strikes us, we panic, we run, we cry out, we hide. I was flooded with compassion in this bolt of awareness ... compassion for the mouse, for my family, my friends, my loved ones, and for myself. Fear is something we all experience when we feel threatened, or when we are hurt, either physically or emotionally. It's a reaction to protect ourselves from harm.

Sometimes we might fear a literal danger, as in a life threatening situation. But sometimes, our fear ... is over something as small as a mouse. We all experience fear as part of life, every living thing does. But as humans, we have this wonderful gift of awareness...we can step back and recognize our fear, look it in the face, and breathe. And sometimes, if we're able to do that, the fear fades. Sometimes, if we can step back from the emotional intensity of our fear, we can open our hearts to love, instead ... like I did with the mouse. I released my own fear and realized that he (the mouse) and I shared something in common ... and that I could chose to react differently. 

In my life, as I feel the fear of life changes descending upon me, I make it a practice of trying to let go of my fear ... and instead, I turn to faith ... faith and trust that the universe or God is guiding me in the direction in which I need to go ... that there are lessons to learn around every corner, if I just keep my eyes and my heart open ... even when there's a mouse in the bathroom.